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Relatively Quick Backstory: A couple of months ago, we changed the shower handles to ones that weren’t quite as susceptible to trapping water and growing mildew. Our new, less-mildew-friendly shower handles required adapters to make them fit on the valve stem. In hindsight, this should have been the point in our trip that we pulled over and asked for directions, or, at least, to turn on a light and get a closer look at the map, for this is where the trouble began.
The adapters adapted the new handles to our old stems as best they could, but they were, apparently, from the old school of adapters, which is to say, they resisted change and found it difficult to acclimate themselves to their new surroundings, i.e., in between our valve stem and shower handles versus hanging on a peg telling the dozens of people each year who looked through their plastic window to the World of Plumbing Aisle 2, “Don’t you wish you needed me and not that shiny, new set of Hot and Colds that fit right out of their box?”
In any case, in true Square Peg v. Round Hole fashion, I replaced the first set of adapters with an identical set of adapters for a second go ‘round, because, let’s face it, it wasn’t the adapters fault they only worked the first three On and Offs (which is, by the way, just enough to make you think you succeeded initially, until the truth of the matter taps you on the reality shoulder); I probably didn’t put them in correctly in the first place.
Not so. I did install them correctly the first time, just as I did the second time; they just sucked at doing their (only) job!
Fast forward a couple of months...the exposed shower stems are now smooth and shiny all the way around, and approximately less than half their original diameter (this non-bionic makeover was courtesy of our Just Wait Until Next Paycheck short term fix–pliers). In fact, the stems have grown so slick from repeated Village Hillbillies plier turning, that I was the only one in the house that could actually turn both the Hot and Cold completely off, and it took me a couple of tries each time.
So, now we meet the Hero of our Story...(no, not me, but thanks for thinking in that direction) Drum roll, please....
...The Shower Valve Socket Wrench!
If you’d like to play along at home, feel free, because up to the point where you realize, “Ah, now I see why Joe needed this thing,” you’ll actually feel like “Heh, this is goin’ along pretty smoothly...,” however, if you’re like me, or more importantly, if you are me, you add to that musing “...probably too smoothly.”
This is where the Smooth Sailing Everything Just Screws and Unscrews Party Bus got pulled over by the Plumbing Police. Everything that could be Lefty Lucy’d off without fear of mucking up the pipes behind the wall had been. It is now apparent that further expertise, professional help and/or money would be needed soon.
At this point, I'm staring at two jagged holes, each about an inch wide at their widest points, from which three and a half inches of the shower valve stems are protruding. Just below/behind/beneath the tile is the base of the stem what needs to be Lucy'd. Unreachable with my piecemeal home/auto repair arsenal.
So, taking a cue from both my Dad and grandfather, I take what I had removed and head down to the hardware store. And by hardware store, I mean, an actual hardware store; one where no one working there is going to college and everyone out on the floor has done what you now realize that you can’t (BTW: the best of these old treasures give out free popcorn or peanuts in the shell in brown paper bags).
Sidebar:This is different than stopping and asking for directions. It is not an admission of failure, like getting lost on the road, instead, it is a quest for further knowledge and the sharing of “Damn, I Sure Hate Thats.” Plus, it means buying at least one new tool.
I knew I was in luck when the Ol' Boy who was floating around the plumbing section was missing part of his left thumb; always a good sign that Ol' Boy has Been There, Done That when they're missing all or a portion of a digit. And his name was Joe.
I showed Joe what I had been able to remove and what I was attempting to do and why I had come to the point that I was. I knew Ol' Boy Joe wouldn't be able to fix all my problems at once, first I had to get those damn stems out of the wall. He had just the thing; enter our above mentioned Hero. Here is a general diagram of a compression faucet.
Imagine it on its side with a wall of tile behind instead of a sink below and you have the general schematic of what I was dealing with; nothing too daunting, but unfamiliar territory nonetheless.
After Ol' Boy Joe hooked me up with our Hero, I returned home and was able to remove the stems within about 5 minutes and then it was back to see Ol' Boy Joe to get replacements (valve stems, escutcheon, and (non-adapter needing) handles).
From there on, the Smooth Sailing Everything Just Screws and Unscrews Party Bus was back on the road, and before you could say Bob's Your Uncle, the Whiskey Tango shower was no more and in it's place was a fully functional, non-leaking, able to be turned completely on and off without any help whatsoever shower. Which, I think you'll agree, is the best kind of shower to have.
I didn't fix Social Security or rebuild the Oval Office after an alien attack or anything monumental or of great, patriotic importance, but, I did, however, fix our shower.
And Now...I can add that to the list of Some Things I Know.
